Two-Cent Press

Bush Administration Forms Up Behind Bemedaled General

--Senator "Going Both Ways" On Decision
--Resignation speech just another "stall tactic"?

I served two terms as Vice President of the United States, immediately after which I was my party's nominee for President and lost a squeeky-close and suspect election. The opposing party won two terms, during which it led the country into an expensive, unpopular quagmire of a war based on a flawed understanding of the foreign country in which we were fighting. I then ran again for president, and won. I am Richard Nixon....or am I Al Gore?

--Did anyone notice a few days ago that on the same date it was reported that Jesus may have ordered Judas to betray him, it was also reported that Libby testified that Bush authorized him to leak classified intelligence? --If only illegal immigrants perform jobs Americans won't do, like picking fruit and cleaning offices, and we allow the immigrants to become citizens, then who's going to pick fruit and clean offices? --It turns out that among the jobs American citizens apparently feel is beneath them, such as picking fruit, cleaning offices, and landscaping, is making multi-million dollar bonuses as a corporate CEO only if the company actually has a good year.

--Vice President Heard Man Say He Was There "To Help Beat The Bushes"

--Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia invites fellow justice David Souter to replace him on next hunting trip with Cheney

--Vice President's press office is silent; Cheney tells it to please be vewy, vewy, quiet--he's hunting Democwats.

The reticence of the Bush Administration on the details of the shooting ruffled feathers among the press corps and Democratic leaders. "We may have given the Bush Administration something of a free ride on getting into Iraq, the deficit, Medicare, and the like," one wire service's Washington bureau chief said, "but this hunting accident thing is where the buckshot stops. Tom Paine, I think, would be proud today."
Senate Democratic leaders seized on the incident as emblematic of all that is wrong with the Bush Administration, and as a turning point in their six-year struggle to turn public opinion, causing the Senate Majority Leader, Dr. William Frist, to wonder aloud if he needed to adjust their medication.

Washington, D.C.--Law professors from around the country have submitted to editorial boards their "dream questions" for Supreme Court nominee Judge Samuel Alito, Jr. Some samples are:
"Name three Supreme Court precedents which have not been overturned, but you wish had been. OR you may answer this question: Assume you must delete two amendments from the Constitution. Which ones would you choose, and why? It's advised you spend no more than thirty minutes on this section."
"Was the approach of 'economic due process' applied early in the last century consistent with your view of judicial restraint? And how is this question relevant to your confirmation?"
"What is the fact pattern you are most likely to face as a Supreme Court justice that might implicate some of the conclusions in my published but as yet uncited articles on Confederate jurisprudence?"
"My neighbor is suddenly complaining that the branches from my willow tree, which has been growing on the border of our two properties for the past twenty-two years, extend too far into his yard, and he wants me to prune them--would you agree, sir, that my neighbor, Harry Sims, is an ass?"
"Lastly, because we cannot ask you the question that everyone most wants answered, that is, your position as to whether a woman has a constitutional right to have an abortion, let me attempt to tease it out of you obliquely: do you, sir, support the recent ban on importing roe from Caspian Sea sturgeon? And assume your answer will be misinterpreted."

CLAIMED TO HAVE TWICE THE RANGE ON HALF THE FUEL
--May end up in the Red Sea
Captain navigates by aphorism
XO is "out of the loop"

--Bush Administration Blames French for Siting New Orleans Below Sea Level
--State Department reports talks with Governor Blanco "cordial"; parties agree to consider additional meetings
--Congress funds additional bridges in Alaska to facilitate future evacuations of New Orleans
--FCC cites Mayor Nagin for foul language used on radio

A showdown over the use of filibusters was averted last night when a compromise agreement was reached among the so-called "Group of 14"--a group comprised of seven Democratic senators and seven Republican ones. Not everyone was happy with the compromise, however. "This is a betrayal of majority rule," one member of the Senate Republican leadership complained. "First, 40 senators controlled the business of the Senate, and now only 14 do? How is that right?"
From the Democrats' view, they traded allowing three unqualified jurists on the appeals courts for some sliver of a say in any prospective Supreme Court confirmation. The Republicans gained quick confirmation of the appellate judges, and the opportunity to get down to not passing the President's Social Security bills.
Compromise seemed unlikely for much of yesterday. The true catalyst, some say, was the arrival of the Camp Granada-era folding cots being wheeled into the halls outside the Senate chamber. Senator Byrd was heard to say he recognized one from a filibuster in 1964, shortly before the senator returned to the caucus room where the historic agreement was reached.

The Republican leadership in the Senate has announced it intends to use its "post-filibuster" majority power to revise the seating arrangement in the Senate chamber. "We're going to have all the Republican senators sit near the front," said a source in the Republican leadership. "That way, the people with actual power to legislate can talk to each other comfortably, and without shouting. And if they want to huddle on some issue, it'll be a lot easier."
The new seating plans also include upgrading the seats to make them bigger, with more cushioning, more lumbar support, and they'll even have beverage holders! But the larger seats will mean there'll no longer be room for all 100--the plans call for some 45 seats to be removed entirely. "There'll be bleachers in the back for the Democrats," the Republican source explained, "which actually makes sense because it'll help them see the action going on down front." The seating plan for thet Republican senators will be based upon seniority and leadership responsibilities, except when it comes to the four or five Republican moderates. "We're splitting those folks up," our source said, "so they can't pass notes."
"We finally figured out the formula for restoring civility in the Senate: comfy seats, and no dissent."

The search for ideological consistency continues....
Republican Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist stated on Wednesday that filibuster rules be changed so that judicial nominees with "majority support" can have an up-or-down vote. Ahh, majority rule in the Senate, where Oklahoma, with 3.5 million people, has the same number of senators (two Republicans) as does New York (two Democrats), with19 million people. Or where Bill Frist's state, Tennessee, with a population of 5.8 million, has two (Republican) senators, and so does California (two Democrats), which has a population of 35.5 million! Let's see, that's four Republican senators representing 9.3 million people, and four Democratic senators representing 54.5 million people. Gosh, can't Republican judicial nominees just get a straight majority vote, people?!
Democratic Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid replied that he's trying to save a "200 year old tradition that protects minority rights"--and, no, he wasn't talking about the Electoral College, which some Democrats wanted to do away with after the 2000 presidential election. Reid was, of course, referring to the (now) hallowed filibuster, the former redoubt of Southern senators delaying reform of Jim Crow laws. But, also on Wednesday, Sen. Reid said the filibuster is now "part of the fabric of" the Senate. Of course, the Democrats weren't saying that when the Republicans were filibustering President Clinton's nominees (the Republicans always seem to come up with this stuff first--quite impressive, in a chilling sort of way). But now the Republicans oppose filibusters, when it was they who, during the Clinton Administration....including Sen. Frist...And the Democrats aren't big on "judicial restraint" or states' rights, except when it comes to respecting Florida's actions in Bush v. Gore or the Terri Schiavo matter...and the Republicans ARE big on judicial restraint, except when it comes to respecting Florida's actions in Bush v. Gore or the Terri Schiavo matter, not to mention when states recognize gay marriage...and didn't the Republicans have a Contract With America, promising term limits and balanced budgets? Because now that they control the House, the Senate, and the White House, it seems as if they could...And isn't it weird when the Democrats support self-determination by indigenous peoples, except when the indigenous peoples use their autonomy to over-fish, hunt cute animals or do other environmentally uncool things? Guess autonomy only goes so far...
Maybe Pat Buchanan had the right idea when, in his speech to the 1992 Republican convention, he said we're in a "culture war". Maybe political principles are all just "us, and what we like" versus "them and what they like". Which, if true, is kind of depressing. And which also means I may have seriously overpaid for my PoliSci degree.
--M. L'Ost

--Blames Staticky Cell-Phone
Newsweek has corrected its report concerning Korans being flushed down toilets at U.S. detention centers in Afghanistan. "We believe our anonymous source actually said 'the cold water ran when you flush the toilets'," said a source at Newsweek. "Or maybe it was 'a crow ban will flesh out the cornlets'. Anyhoo," the source continued, "it's not that big a deal. Remember when we published the cover story about the discovery of 'Hitler's diaries' about fifteen years ago? No one else does, either."

The National Hockey League cancelled the 2004-2005 season today when the league's owners and the players' union could not reach agreement on a new collective bargaining contract. However, the N.H.L. announced it nevertheless plans to save the playoffs. "In a normal season, 16 of the 21 teams make the playoffs anyway," noted a league spokesperson, "so we plan to have all the teams be in the playoffs in the Spring, and we figure nobody'll notice the difference."
But what if the owners' lockout of the players doesn't end by then? "Not a problem," the spokesperson said, "our back-up plan is to introduce professional ice-curling. We just have to get the ice curlers used to goals--and body checks."

The end of the Iraqi war wasn't near
when quite fortuitously,
an Ayatollah of note, urged his followers to vote
and turned our folly into vic-tor-ee.

The world was amazed, but none more so
than his proud little family group
For Jeb and his dad couldn't believe
that W was the one to achieve...Bush II!

Where the deficit soars and the economy snores
and the middle class takes a lickin'
Where Gypsy Moths and Democrats
all turn chicken

When the luck runs cold and reality takes hold
there'll be plenty of clean-up to do,
but not before we recast Rushmore
with the faces of the cast and the crew...
Our kids will ask us when we knew...
Proof Evolution isn't true...
Bush II!

--I. Shade (with apologies to Irving Taylor and William Lava)

--Bush to Save Social Security for the No Child Left Behind he saved from the Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq and who will work in some of the Millions of Jobs Created by the Huge Tax Cuts enjoyed by the Middle Class; all to be financed by the Budget Surpluses produced by a Fiscally Prudent Republican Government.
--Estate of Lewis Carroll May Sue
--Punxsutawny Phil rushes back into his burrow; won't let Democrats in.

--Though Government To Remain In Area of High Pressure From U.S., Observers Wonder Whether Winds of Change Portend a Front from Iran
--Monarchists hope for some reign

(Baathists reduced to Weathermen; French decry torture of metaphors...)

--As Iraqi Premier, Bush Expected To Request U.S. Troops Stay In Iraq, Focus On Border With Iran
"After his 'Tsumami '04 Tour'", one political analyst said, "a good turn as leader of Iraq will complete a one-two gravitas punch for Jeb and give him the inside track for the '08 Republican nomination. Plus, if he invades Iran, he can run as a wartime candidate."

In the aftermath of the 2004 presidential election, Democrats are now saying they need a strategy to put those states "in play", TCP has learned. "Not only did we lose the entire Old South, we lost in West Virginia," one Democratic consultant said, "and that was the one Southern area that didn't even join the Confederacy. Plus, it really doesn't speak well for a party known for championing the poor to lose in Appalachia." Some Democratic strategists cautioned, however, that before the party could "head South" and make inroads in places like West Virginia, it had to first nail down its support in Pennsylvania, not to mention New Jersey.
Still other Democratic strategists view the challenge another way: not state-by-state, but thematically. This view holds that while it may be technically possible to piece together a majority of Electoral College votes without winning a single Southern state, developing themes that appeal to suburban Southerners will also gain the Democrats support in suburban and rural areas in the Midwest and West that will help the Democrats win states there, too--for example, better showings in southern Ohio and exurban Colorado might have tipped those states to the Democrats.
But at least one Democratic strategist says this is all just "whistlin' Dixie". "We've already used every logical argument we can think of to reach the non-urban South: that piety doesn't equal competence; and that voluntarily-assumed wars, and unbalanced budgets, are not sound policies, even conservative ones. It didn't work." The central problem, some political scientists say, is that the national Democratic Party lost support among white Southerners when the party supported the end of the Jim Crow laws in the 1960's. "I'm not sure how the Democrats are supposed to address THAT complaint," the strategist said.
Are the Democrats saying the Republicans have exploited racial issues in the South? "Not at all," says the Democratic strategist. "The Republicans have successfully monopolized the issues of family and faith, which are trump issues for the exurban and rural voter. It seems these voters are just not going to look past these most deeply felt, bedrock values and vote Democratic", the strategist concluded, "unless the Democratic nominee is kind of charming, like Bill Clinton."

--"Our withdrawal from Gaza is in no way related to any particular activity by Palestinian insurgents," said an Israeli Defense Ministry official, "it's solely to allow us to more easily defend Israelis from their attacks." Diplomats and Talmudic scholars are reviewing these statements to find the distinction.

--Bill Envisions Tolls On West Bank Crossings and Tunnels from Gaza to Egypt
--Governor Sees Many Appointments For Supporters

"Between our Transit, Dormitory, Power and Port Authorities, and many others, we simply overlooked the Palestinian Authority until the brouhaha over Arafat dying," one highly placed legislator said. "We feel we can offer a way to finance the 'road map to peace', and to further its chances of success. For example, moderate Palestinians and Israelis could be issued EZ Passes for use at selected checkpoints and tunnels. Plus, it could be good for New York--we could float a bond issue and use excess revenue to finance New York's school system, or the upstate dairy industry, or simply our legislators' 'members' items'."
The Governor's office has confirmed it's already received resumes from dozens of local G.O.P. supporters for positions at the new Palestinian Authority, which is to be headquartered in White Plains.
"We're not that concerned about gaining the cooperation of Palestinian or Israeli hardliners," the legislator added. "First, we'll show them, based on our experience with New Jersey, how a two-state system can work, despite the occasional blow-up. Second, there'll be lots of jobs for everyone--construction, toll collection, you name it. Third, any recalcitrants, on either side, will find their homes right in the middle of the planned eight-lane, Amman-to-Tel Aviv, 'Giuliani Trans-Jordan Expressway'".

--Never Officially Resigned Commission, Army Says
The United States Army has recalled a 106-year-old veteran of World War I for combat duty in Iraq, sources confirmed. W.B. Jennings, a retired agricultural seed salesman residing in an assisted living facility in Wheaton, Kansas, says the Army has notified him he's being recalled to active duty because he never officially resigned his commission. Mr. Jennings enlisted in the Army in 1917, and earned a battlefield promotion to second lieutenant while fighting in the Ardennes in 1918. "After the war ended", Mr. Jennings explained, "I was discharged and began starting a family and a business. I pretty much had figured my days as a soldier were over. I didn't even know about this business about officially resigning your commission, to tell you the truth." Nevertheless, Mr. Jennings is ready to go: "They told me it's like the Kaiser and his boys are in Baghdad, and that can't be good for anybody", Mr. Jennings said. Mr. Jennings has, however, requested he be assigned to a motorized unit, as he doesn't want his walking with a cane to slow down his fellow "doughboys".
A source in the Pentagon has confirmed World War I veterans are being recalled, and are in fact prized for their experience in chemical warfare, having fought through the mustard gas attacks common on the Western Front.
Has the Army told Mr. Jennings when he may be returning from Iraq? "They said about what I expected", Mr. Jennings said. "They said no one's coming back 'til it's over, over there."

--"This bill will ensure that gays don't get the right to engage in polygamy", one legislator explained, "before heterosexuals do."

--French Police Misplace Explosives On Jet
PARIS, Dec. 5—Police at Paris' top airport lost track of a passenger's bag in which plastic explosives were placed to train bomb-sniffing dogs, police said Saturday. Warned that the bag may have gotten on any of nearly 90 flights from Charles de Gaulle, authorities searched planes upon arrival in Los Angeles and New York.
However, officials in the French government could not explain why the planes were allowed to take off before the exercise concluded, and indeed referred all further questions to the head of the Surete, Commissioner Louis Dreyfus. Dreyfus's office declined comment, stating the Commissioner is still recovering from a mishap in a recent letter bomb test after the letter was returned to the Surete for insufficient postage.

ELECTION RETURNS SHOW DEMOCRATS LOST DECEASED VOTE
--Heralds A Graveyard Shift?
An analysis of election results from the 2004 presidential election shows erosion of Democratic support in many of the party's traditional bases of support--women, Catholics, etc. Another traditionally Democratic base which may be trending Republican is the deceased voter segment of the electorate. While in years past, especially in Illinois, cemeteries could be counted on to come in late and heavy for the Democratic nominee, this year saw dead voters decidedly turning to Bush. "The current Democratic issues like Social Security, fiscal responsibility, and Iraq," one analyst said, "just aren't getting traction with the deceased, for obvious reasons, I guess. The truth is, a lot of these voters are in Limbo, and the swing issue for them is really which candidate claims to have the best rapport with Heaven, and I guess the gut feeling here was that that candidate might be Bush."
Democratic leaders say that the loss of Mayor Richard Daley has never been felt more than this year, with many Democrats stating they could only imagine what Daley could have done with the uncounted provisional votes in Ohio. "We've got to realize that 1960 and Mayor Daley aren't coming back, and our dominance in the cemeteries is over," one Democratic leader said. "For one thing, Mayor Daley could credibly offer dead voters good jobs on the government payroll. Also, Nixon was never that closely associated with the religious issue." "We're getting killed above and below ground," said another leader, "we've just got to come up with a better way to reach these people."

ONLY 7% OF THE ELECTORATE UNDECIDED ABOUT 2008 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
--Polarized Public Views Actual Events, Policies Irrelevant Polls Find

3% OF ELECTORATE STILL UNDECIDED ABOUT 2004 ELECTION
--"I guess some voters are just too stupid to chase after," consultant states.

RALPH NADER LEGALLY CHANGES HIS FIRST NAME TO "PRESIDENT"
--"It's not about me," President Nader insisted, "it's about new ideas: my first shadow law will be to make absolutely, positively sure all cars are equipped with seatbelts. And the same for motorcycles, too....O.k., it's about new ideas AND me."

HILLARY CLINTON LEADS RACE FOR 2008 DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION, MEDIA WISHES
--Both the liberal and convervative media have joined forces in dumming up support for a Hillary Clinton candidacy in 2008. "Sure she'd lose, but since the Democrats are going to lose anyway, we might as well get some copy."